The Pre-Journey

Yesterday was a bit of a down day for me. Even though we haven't started our process yet, we are fully engaged in discussion and obsession about our children and about all of the possibilities that exist. Throughout our discussion process, I go up and I go down. There are days that I can't wait another minute and I want to fill out the paperwork today even though it won't make a bit of difference. Then there are days that my trust button turns on and I am able to see the Lord working in us to prepare us for our children. These are the days that allow me to relax and be hopeful and excited.

As a part of my preparation for adopting an older child, I have taken on the task of watching the eight year old daughter of one of the parents of a teen in my youth group (I'm the youth director at our church). She spends five hours a day with me, four days a week. It is a minute glimpse into what life as a stay at home mom might be like. She arrives at 7 am and leaves between noon and one. We watch the Disney channel and she swims in the pool (the water is still far too cold for me). I make her breakfast and feed her healthy snacks. She offers to help with things and it makes my heart melt. Then she refuses to wake from her nap, and I realize that eight year olds aren't all fun and games. She is wonderful to have around and I've realized in the short time that she has been here that I am already incredibly protective of her. I want to shield her from any of the garbage that I see pouring out of our television. I want to make sure that she doesn't hit her head in the pool and I remind her to be careful over and over again, despite her fish like ability to manuever in the water. Her presence in our home is teaching me how desperate my heart is for children of our own. I know that Nathan's presence in our home in just six short weeks will make my longing for children all the more strong.

I've also been thinking about the purpose of this blog for the next six months. Most people begin their blogs sometime near the start of their paperwork process. I've got a solid six months to go before we are even able to submit our application. So, I believe that this will be a place of refuge for our emotional journey from here to the beginning of our paperwork journey. I pray that it will be a place where I can be encouraged and maybe a place where searching people will be able to find their own call to adopt. Maybe it is just the only way I can feel like I am DOING something other than just waiting for our 2nd anniversary. (Our agency will not let us apply to adopt until we have been married two years.) I think that I will share some of our unique decisions, such as using birth control and desiring to adopt an older child, and the reasons behind those decisions. I'm sure I will share many tidbits of entirely useless information. I hope that I can touch someone's life through this blog as I have been so touched by the blogs of so many others. If you do choose to follow along with us, we are grateful for your presence. We covet your prayers, first for God's will in our lives, but also for a job for Nathan that will allow us to proceed with our adoption plans in December, for our ability to downsize our lives and spend money wisely, for paitence for me as we wait to begin the process, for a wonderful reunion with Nathan in July, for Nathan's reintegration into our lives and into American society, for our children - whomever they are, for their safety and for great amounts of love in their lives, for our children's family - that they would be held in the hands of God and that they would know that their children will be loved and cared for, for God's provision as I move forward on plans to travel to Ethiopia in March to help out in the Layla House and AHOPE orphanages, and just for peace for our families throughout this process. We thank you for being a part of our lives through this blog. We thank you for your prayers. Most of all we thank all of you adoption bloggers for the amazing insight you have all given us as we stand on the edge of persuing our own children.